


Too Broken To Be Loved

by HeyItzLouise



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Raven Reyes, Broken Clarke, Bullying, Child Neglect, Clarke has no friends, F/F, F/M, Finn is a bully, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Protective Lexa, Sassy Raven, Sexual Assault, Suicidal Clarke, Suicidal Thoughts, Until Collage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-11-10 11:24:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11126061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyItzLouise/pseuds/HeyItzLouise
Summary: Clarke has been alone almost her entire life. Everything was fine until at the age of 8, her father died in a tragic car accident. That was when everything went downhill and fast. Clouded by grief, her mother, Abby, threw herself into work, abandoning her daughter in such a way it would be called neglect. Clarke, struggling to cope with the death of her beloved father and best friend alone, became withdrawn and quiet, having panic attacks frequently. The bullying soon started and it only got worse when she entered High school, becoming the schools punching bag and that could be taken literally with the bruises to prove it. Clarke had no friends, no family, no one. That is until she met Lexa her new room mate in college, saving her on the edge of suicide.TRIGGER WARNING!!Please do not read if you are going to be effected by the events of this story.





	1. Drowning in sorrow

 

The rest of the noise seemed to fade out as the words of the officer echoed through her mind, trying to make sense of the heart wrenching sentence. “There has been an accident.” The man took a deep breath, carefully constructing his next words. “Mrs Griffin… your husband… your husband was involved in a car crash. He… he suffered fatal wounds to his chest and abdomen.”

The eight-year old’s world came crashing down. She sat at the bottom of the steps whilst her mother, Abby held the door open wide revealing two police officers looking sympathetic and slightly uncomfortable. The tone of their voice revealed everything.

_There has been an accident”_

_"accident”_

_“car crash”_

_“he suffered fatal wounds”_

" _he suffered”_

It took Clarke a few seconds to process these words but as soon as she did, a soul crushing sob wracked through her small fragile body and tears instantly clouded her eyes as she wrapped her arms around her knees and rocked back and forth. She lowered her head to rest on her knees, chin resting on her chest whilst sobbing uncontrollably, face hidden by her arms. The tear stoked cheeks were oh so visible to see and the sight of this once happy young girl, so dejected and drowning in grief was so heart breaking to watch.

Clarke soon found arms wrapped securely around her in support and she raised her head to bury it into her mother’s neck, slowly feeling her limbs give out. Many silent tears from Abby and countless sobs and hiccups from Clarke later, Clarkes breathing evened out, as she fell asleep through exhaustion.

“Take a seat, make yourself at home” Abby managed to say, her voice hoarse from crying and not bothering looking up. The officers made their way to the living room and sat down, faces looking devastated and truly effected by the sadness that the small child displayed.

Lifting Clarke up on her hip, she stood up and slowly made her way up the stairs and into Clarkes bedroom. She gently laid her daughter down on the bed and tucked her under her duvet, lovingly pressing a kiss on her forehead. With hooded tired eyes, she made her way back down the stairs and into the living room where the two officers were waiting.

The couch dipped under her weight as she took her seat opposite to them. She lifted her eyes to silently ask to continue. “Mrs Griffin, your husband was taken to Mount Weather infirmary earlier this evening. Mrs Griffin… there is no other way to say this but he came in too late and he… succumbed to his wounds during surgery.” Just as the officer was about to continue, Abby let out a sob uncontrollably and buried her face in her hands as her whole body shook. After 5 minutes of depressed silence, she lifted her face and took a deep breath, wiping her wet cheeks with her fingers.  
She forcefully exhaled, throat tight before she began speaking. “H-his wounds? Besides his c-chest and abdomen” Her voice was shaky and her face portrayed her fear of the answer. Abby was one of the best surgeons in Chicago and upon hearing the news, she only wished she was working overtime. All the what-if questions flowed through her mind like a waterfall crashing violently into a calm stream bellow. If only she had stayed later, she could have saved him.

“I apologise Mrs Griffin but you’ll have to go to the Mount Weather Infirmary to get that information.” There was a long respective pause before the next officer continued, “Your Husband drove at the required speed limits ma’am as for the other driver…” he let out a sigh of defeat “it was confirmed that he was highly intoxicated, not long before being wheeled into the hospital himself.”

“A-And is h-he alive?”

 “Yes Ma’am. He went through surgery himself; his wounds were not fatal. Officers will speak to him soon after he wakes up.” Abby rested her head on the tips of her fingers as she processed the information. She was in shock but she knew once the shock wore off, she would be left to drown in her grief and sorrow. “Mrs Griffin, we are truly sorry for your loss.” The officer on the left said, showing the sadness he himself felt for her and her daughter’s situation.

Abby nodded and clamped her eyes shut, thankful for the physical pain the growing headache supplied. The officers took this as their queue to leave and they stood up slowly as not to disturb the woman’s reverie, making their way towards the door. When the noise of the door clicking shut signalled that she was alone, Abby let herself break down, releasing all her emotions through her sobs. The squeezing pressure around her heart was unbearable and at this moment Abby realised what true heart break is.


	2. Four Days Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's four days later and Clarke has a dream.

_“Daddy!” Clarke bolted across the laminated floor of the living room and into her father’s arms before he could even close the door. His hands were full, having bought takeout after work. It was close to 7 o’clock now and Clarke had been impatiently waiting for half an hour, looking over at the door every two minutes._ Jake worked as an engineer for NASA and frequently worked on the electrical systems for rockets.

_He chuckled at the blonde’s eagerness, “hey, kiddo” he said softly, eyes gleaming with love, a broad smile planted on his face. He kicked the door closed and gently lowered the plastic bags to the floor, before wrapping his arms tightly around his daughter. “How was school?”_

_Clarke loosened her arms and stepped back excitedly at the question. He asked the same question every evening after work but Clarke had been so wrapped up in the warmth of the hug, that she had forgotten what she had wanted to show him. Jake took that moment to ruffle her hair in affection and Clarke continued to show her enthusiasm, bouncing on the soles of her feet._

_She grasped his large fingers with her small hand and marched forward, practically dragging him along. “Hey! Slow down kiddo” he said through chuckling and followed her to the kitchen. She let go of his hand and bounced over to the counter. Jake leaned against the doorway looking amused and somewhat curious as he watched Clarke pick up a piece of card and a medal and turn around in one swift spin, holding them both up for him to see._

_“Look daddy!” she exclaimed, a proud smile on her face. “I won first place in the art competition!” Her smile was huge now, almost too big for her small head. Her eyes were bright as she, once again, started bouncing up and down, struggling to contain her happiness._

_“I told you, you would win! I’m so proud of you kid.” He was just as happy as Clarke and he hastily strode over to her and engulfed her in a bone crushing hug, lifting her up from the floor and spinning around, causing her to giggle._

_“dad!” Clarke whined, drawing out the ‘a’ “I can’t breathe.” Jake loosened his grip and lowered her down to the floor, stepping back with a wide smile on his face. Clarkes smile was equally as wide as Jake took her medal and slung it around her neck._

_A loud, irritating buzzing noise rang through_ _the house and everything seemed to fade into nothingness. The buzzing got louder and even more annoying._

A groan left her mouth involuntarily and she opened her eyes slightly before instantly shutting them against the brightness of the sun beaming through her bedroom window. She turned over and buried her head into her soft pillow, reaching out to slap her alarm clock on her bedside table in the process. Her head felt as if someone was punching it from the inside as a result of crying herself to sleep the past four days.

This morning was different though. She usually had a nightmare or two, waking up screaming for her dad but never actually remembered the dream she had. Now she remembered this one perfectly. It was a memory, that’s why. One of the many good ones. This was worse than the nightmares though because the more Clarke thought about the good times with her dad, the more she missed him and the more painfully unbearable it was.

Although her head felt like she had banged it continuously against a wall, her heart was much worse. Her heart felt like it was being squeezed by a strong hand within her chest. It was all too much. It made her want to run and run and never stop running. But she couldn’t run because you can’t run from heartache.

Her whole body shook and she pressed her head deeper into her pillow as tears sprang from her eyes. The pillow absorbed her salty tears once again, becoming damp under her face. She let out an agonizing scream filled with pain, grief, anger, sadness and frustration; she let it all out. The scream wasn’t audible from the outside of her bedroom since the pillow muffled the sound. Even though she craved her mother’s comfort, she didn’t want her to resent her for being a reliability.

After her body stopped shaking, she let out a sigh, sat up in her bed and wiped her tired, wet eyes. Today was going to be hard. It would be a nice distraction but it was still going to be difficult. Today Clarke was going back to school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for such short chapters but I'll be updating regularly- at least twice a week. Anyway, thanks for the comments on the first chapter and hope you enjoyed this chapter :D


	3. This is where it starts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby drives Clarke to school and things don't go so smoothly at lunch.

After throwing on the first item of clothing she saw, Clarke made her way downstairs and into the kitchen. She took a seat on the stool and rested her arms on the counter. She spotted something in the corner of her eye and turned her head to look at it fully, eyes beginning to fill with unshed tears.

On the wall to the right, was the certificate that she won for the drawing she did of her little family. Next to it hung the brass medal that _he_ slung around her neck just a week before he died. If only they knew what was going to happen, they wouldn’t have been so cheerful, acting like the happiest people in the world.

She rose from her place at the counter and made her way tentatively towards the awards, eyes refusing to move from them as if they were glued in place. Her heart rate picked up and her breathing became more rapid, coming out in short, quick bursts. Every time she closed her eyes- even to blink- she saw his face, smiling like every other day. God, did he smile. He always had a smile and Clarke found herself missing it more than anything.

Her dad was the hero to every story. Everything she drew at home, everything she wrote at school, even in her dreams. And now he was gone.

Standing directly in front of the art medal, she gently took it from the nail it was hanging from and held it flat against her right palm. She gazed down at it for a few seconds, a silent tear rolling down her cheek, then brought her left hand up to trace her index finger over the engraving: **‘Clarke Griffin 1st place in Jaha elementary’s first art competition 2007’.**

The footsteps, gradually getting louder, pulled Clarke out of her sorrowful reverie. She hastily rehung the medal, turned her back in the direction her mother was coming from and took a deep breathe, wiping her tear that stopped just below her right cheekbone. 

The footsteps stopped at the door way and she heard her mother sigh. “Clarke honey, are you ready for school?” Abby’s voice sounded sincere but throughout the past week, Clarke knew it was fake. Every time Clarke spoke (which wasn’t very much) she never seemed to be listening, always elsewhere, deep in a daydream. She couldn’t really blame her though, she found herself doing the same.

She turned around with her eyes trained to the floor and nodded her head slightly to indicate she had heard her. She grabbed her bag from the counter and slowly slid both straps onto her shoulders. If Abby saw the redness around her eyes, she didn’t say anything for which Clarke was grateful.

Abby led her daughter outside and to her car; the Griffins owned two cars since both parents worked. Clarke stopped abruptly and stared at the car with fearful eyes. She now knew how dangerous it really is on the roads. If her dad lost his life by simply driving home, it could happen to anyone.

Abby, after a few seconds, noticed that Clarke wasn’t moving anymore and turned around to see if the blonde was ok. Her eyes softened upon seeing her daughter, eyes wide, breathing rapid and glued to the spot. Abby understood straight away and strode over to her, wrapping her in a hug. She crouched down in front of her and looked up into her eyes- eyes just like her fathers. When Clarke finally met her eyes, she spoke as gently as she could. “Clarke sweetheart, it’s ok.” When she received no answer or affirmation, she continued, “If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll drive extremely slow just like Grandma Edna” she said light-heartedly a small smile playing on her lips.

Clarke nodded slightly with a small smile so foreign on her face but didn’t quite reach her eyes. “okay” Abby whispered as she tucked a blond lock behind Clarke’s ear. She stood up then, grabbing Clarke’s hand and settled her in the passenger seat of her Audi.  
___________________________  
The drive, as promised, was painfully slow; at least half the speed limit. Abby was actually pretty sure if they continued at this rate they’d get pulled over. There were many angry honks of horns directed at Abby and she had to refrain from swearing at them for being so rude.

Clarke spent the whole ride staring at every car that passed with afraid and panicky eyes. Though her fear occupied most of her mind, it still didn’t stop Clarke from observing her mother. Her hands, skinnier than before, clutched the steering wheel with so much force that her knuckles were white. Her face, more defined and her eyes, tired with lack of sleep if the bags were anything to go by. Not to mention her hair, dishevelled in an untidy bun. The ride was spent in complete silence.

Abby pulled the car to a stop and turned towards Clarke, whom was looking out the passenger window at the Elementary school. “Clarke,” she spoke softly and waited until she turned around before speaking again, “I’m going to work today so you’ll have to walk home.” Abby hated that her daughter had to go home by herself but she also needed to work; Mount Weather were running short on surgeons and she was needed. “There will be some sandwiches in the fridge if you’re hungry before I get back.”

Sadness gleamed in Clarke’s bright blue eyes and she nodded her head, eyes looking down. Abby grabbed her head and placed an affectionate kiss on her forehead. “Have a good day at school sweetheart.”

Clarke got out of the car and made her way towards the entrance of the school. Keeping her head down, she entered her first class just before the bell rang. She took a seat at the back and took out her sketchbook. She gained a few stares from people noticing her odd change of behaviour; she was normally enthusiastic and always had a smile on her face. Clarke just ignored everyone around her and lost herself in the lines she drew, creating some sort of wild animal with its teeth bared.

The teacher didn’t seem to mind Clarke’s lack of attention in class and after three classes, the bell rang for lunch. Clarke’s stomach was empty; she hadn’t eaten breakfast and she was starting to regret taking her sweet time getting ready.

When she took a seat on a table in the cafeteria, she unpacked her lunch from her bag and took small bites out of her sandwich. Since she didn’t have a distraction anymore, she found herself getting lost in thought. So lost in fact, that she didn’t notice the girl that sat next to her with a beaming smile.

“Hey Clarke!” She exclaimed cheerfully and Clarke still didn’t acknowledge her presence. “Come sit with us!” The girl had a group of friends on the next table, five or six of them watching like hawks. She waited for a response but she didn’t find one. “Hello?” she said dragging out the word while waving a hand in front of her face. Clarke snapped out of it just in time to hear, “what a freak”.

The girl stood up abruptly and marched to her friends while Clarke sat there confused, not knowing what just happened. She looked across to the other table to see the same girl telling all her friends what a ‘freak’ Clarke Griffin is and all their faces turned towards her. They all scrutinized Clarke with amusement and judgement apparent in their expressions.

Clarke’s eyes quickly filled with tears threatening to spill and she ducked her head to hide her face. She heard as they all laughed, mocking her. _Couldn’t they cut her some slack? She had just lost her father and best friend._ Little did Clarke know it only got worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the late chapter, school's a bitch :D. Hope you enjoyed it though and thanks for reading.  
> I also wanna say that I'm English and have to google everything about American schools. So if I make a mistake please point it out :)


	4. The note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finds a note in her locker

-1 week later-

  
The days seemed to be blending together but at the same time, time seemed to move agonisingly slowly. Clarke found herself stuck in a routine: waking up rather early, eating a bowl of cereal, walking to school by herself, then trying to be invisible whilst listening intently to the teacher.

Clarke was not oblivious to the growing absence of her mother. It seemed her work hours were gradually getting longer and Clarke had to get up 2 hours before school started, just to see her in the mornings. Even then, she would only see her for no more than 15 minutes and each time she would apologise for having to leave so early after pouring Clarke a bowl of cereal. Clarke tried not to let it bother her but she couldn’t help feeling slightly abandoned.

It had been 1 hour and 15 minutes since Abby set off for work and Clarke had just finished her most recent drawing in her sketchbook- making sure to scribble the date down- when she noticed the time. School was only 15 minutes away but she had nothing else to do so she slung her bag over her shoulders and made her way out of the house.

Clarke made sure to lock the door with the spare key. She had made the mistake a few days ago in not locking the door after leaving the house, and was chastised for it from Abby. After placing the spare key back under the plant pot which sat just to the right of the door, Clarke started her walk down the busy streets.

When she arrived at the school, she still had a few minutes to spare so she decided to make her bag less heavy and unload some of the books that are not needed for any of her lessons, into her locker.  
She opened her locker, only to find a piece of paper that drifted to the floor. Clarke kneeled to pick it up and stood back up to examine it. Turning it over in her hand, Clarke found that it was blank but had been folded clumsily. As she looked down at it, four girls strode by, all looking at the piece of paper knowingly and laughed upon making eye contact with Clarke.

Clarke recognised them instantly; it was the same group of girls that made fun of her a week ago with mocking names and their cruel judgement. She stared after them, then looked back down at the parchment in her hand. Reluctantly, she peeled back the fold in the paper and began reading the messy handwriting.

**‘Hey freek does Daddy and Mommy not luv u?’**

The horrific spelling mistakes do not go unnoticed by the blonde and if the words didn’t hit so close to home, she would have laughed. The reminder that her dad was gone slammed through the shallow walls she had built since the first day back the previous Monday. Her breathing quickened with the overwhelming grief that filled her heart. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, trying to will the feelings away. It was no help however, because all she could think about was: ‘does Mom not love me?’ 

Her mother had been distant; Going to work early, coming back late. They had hardly talked the past week. Clarke understood that her mother was hurting too but all she did was work. Maybe she didn’t love her anymore and that’s why she had chosen to avoid her. Abby’s release was hurting Clarke and Clarke felt completely alone without a father and now, a mother.

She couldn’t control the way her chest was rising and falling rapidly and the way her eyes flew open in panic. Her backpack collided with her locker door and it clamped shut loudly against the quietness of the halls. She slid down until she was sitting, clenching her heart, willing it to slow down. The realisation that it was a panic attack, made her panic even more as she struggled to breathe. _Is this what it feels like to drown?_

The lack of oxygen began to make her lightheaded but the thoughts and feelings failed to evade her mind. The bell had rung a while ago and nobody seemed to be in sight as she swivelled her head, franticly searching for help.

Just as all hope seemed lost, a teacher, two doors down, stepped out of the class room that Clarke was supposed to be in. It was _her_ teacher Miss. Niylah. Upon hearing a gasp, Miss. Niylah looked up from the folder she was holding and her eyes landed on a small blonde girl sitting down with her knees up, hand on her heart.

“Clarke?” hearing her name, Clarke snapped her head to the right and stared fearfully at her teacher. The teacher rushed over and placed her folder on the ground, crouching down in front of her. “Clarke, can you hear me?” when the blonde raised her head slightly, she took it as a yes and continued. “I need you to slow your breathing for me. Can you do that?” She asked calmly, sincerity in her voice.  
Clarke tried to take slower, more precise breaths but it didn’t seem to be helping and she searched her teacher’s eyes for what to do. “ok,” Miss. Niylah took Clarke’s left hand that was resting against her heart and placed it above her own. “I want you to focus on the beating of my heart and follow my breathing,” She said carefully and inhaled exaggeratedly then exhaled a few seconds later and kept doing that until Clarke joined in.

10 minutes later, her breathing had calmed and she was no longer heaving in air. Her heart was still pounding but it was much slower than it was. “Are you ok?” the teacher said softly and Clarke just nodded, moving to get up. Once they were both standing, Niylah continued talking, “You should go home. I will make a call to your mother to inform her of your panic attack” Clarke shook her head with a frown.

“I don’t need to go home, School just started.” Niylah looked unsure and before she could speak, Clarke cut her off, “I’m sure.” She offered a small smile and made her way into the class room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.. Sorry if this chapter doesn't get very far but I wanted to throw a panic attack in there. I will skip more time the chapter after next, because high school is where it really starts to get bad in this story and I want to get there ASAP. Thanks for reading :D


	5. I don't hate you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bullies have names and short talk with her mom that ends with tears (of course)

Clarke took a deep breath before opening the door. She didn’t like being the last one to enter the class room, and in the past week she had come to school earlier than normal to avoid it. The loud chatter in the room halted and all heads turned to Clarke when the door shut closed, thinking it was the teacher.

Most went back to talking, some grumbling under their breath ‘where the hell is the teacher’ but the rest, watched her every move as she made her way to her desk. “What took you so long, Clarke?” Ontari said with a smug smirk on her face. Ontari was the leader of her little group and the worst of them. Before the death of her father, Clarke paid no attention to her and her unfriendly group and they paid no attention Clarke. Ontari seemed controlling from what Clarke picked up last week.

She sat down at her desk, which she used to share with her former best friend Wells, and took out her sketch book. Coincidentally, the desk assigned to her was right next to the desk Ontari shared with Octavia. Octavia was part of the group, but she hadn’t said a word to Clarke and seemed to be disapproving to the way her friends treated her. She never voiced her opinions and just let it happen; she was no ally.

She started her sketch, drawing intricate lines as she tried to blur out her surroundings. Her heart was still beating rapidly, as if it was trying to get out of her chest. “Clarke,” the name was said with such hatred that it made her heart skip a beat and her eyes grow twice their size. Clarke continued to draw, lines rougher and less precise with a death grip on the pencil, causing her knuckles to turn white. “Look at me when I’m talking!” She snapped with a newfound anger as she leaned forward, getting closer to Clarke.

She paused then, and the tip of the pencil broke off from the amount of pressure she was putting on it. She inhaled deeply before turning her head to the right and fixing her terrified blue eyes with the malicious stare of Ontari’s hazel eyes. “Didn’t _mommy and daddy_ teach you any manners?” She spat. Clarkes eyes glistened with unshed tears and Ontari smirked at the visible affect her words had.

“What d-did I do to make you h-hate me?” She choked out, her voice quiet and vulnerable.

The bully chuckled, “Hate you?” she said raising her eyebrows. “I don’t hate you Clarke. You’re just a _freak_ that needs to be taught a lesson.” She said it like it was the simplest thing in the world but her eyes were hostile like she craved a fight.

“Ontari, that’s enough. The teacher will be back any second now,” Octavia intervened, sending an apologetic look to Clarke whilst Ontari’s back was still turned towards her. She scoffed, eyes still on Clarke’s, “We’ll continue this later.” She turned around, mumbling to Octavia and Clarke focused her eyes back to her sketch book. Lines were all over the page, a dark grey from the amount of pressure.

The teacher took the perfect moment to re-enter the classroom and the noise dimed down to a couple of whispers and then complete silence. “I’m sorry for the delay, I just had to make a call,” Miss. Niylah said, eyes landing on Clarke as she said the second part of the sentence.

“Some call” someone in the far left grumbled, catching half the class’s attention including the teacher’s.

“Mr. Jordan,” the teacher said raising her voice, “Care to share with the class?” Jasper just shook his head, face turning red under the amused eyes all staring at him.

_Of course, she called my mom…_ Clarke thought as she closed her sketchbook and paid attention to half of the lesson that was left. She didn’t want to go home and explain what triggered her panic attack and she definitely didn’t want to bring up the fact that she was being picked on. They’ll get bored if she just ignores them.

All through the day, she could feel Ontari’s eyes glaring holes into the back of her skull and when the day finally ended, she was beyond relieved. That relief was short lived though as she remembered that the mother will be home, asking questions. _Or maybe she decided to ignore it, maybe she’s not home at all. If she is home, she’ll probably just get called back to work_. These thoughts did nothing to ease her worries and soon she was standing in front of her door.

The door opened just as she reached out to open it herself. Abby looked at her with worry in her eyes- and was that sympathy? “Hey mom.” She said eyes trained to the floor and she walked past her mother and into the living room. She dropped her bag from her shoulders onto the couch and sat down beside it, thinking of what excuse she could make.

“Don’t ‘Hey mom’ me,” Abby said, then her eyes softened, “are you okay sweetheart? I heard you had a panic attack.” Abby made her way to the couch facing Clarke. She still had her uniform on, obviously planning on going back to work. She sighed when she got no response and looked at her daughter who was still looking down at her feet. “Is this about your father?” she asked and swallowed thickly.

Clarkes eyes filled with tears and she nodded her head rapidly, “Y-yes,” she choked out, still not meeting her mother’s eyes. Clarke knew it was more than that. It was about her mother, who can’t even make time for her, choosing work over her own daughter. It was also about the fact that school wasn’t considered a safe environment for her anymore, and home was always empty and that scared her.

Abby stood up and crossed the space to engulf the blonde in a hug. They both cried, drawing much needed comfort from one another. That was until the phone started ringing and their little break down came to an end. Abby wiped her tears and put a hand on Clarke’s shoulder before standing up to accept the phone call.

As Clarke suspected, it was work and Abby sent a quick apology, promising to be back earlier than normal before heading out the door.

Later that night Abby broke her promise, coming home past midnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to skip like a year next chapter. Also, Octavia will make a reappearance, don't worry.  
> Thank you for your comments, they make me want to write more and update faster. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading :D


	6. A 'fresh start'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke starts High-school

**-5 Years and 8 Months Later-**  
**-September 2nd 2013-**

Whoever said _‘Time heals all wounds’_ , were right. Or so Clarke thought at this stage. It had been nearly _6 long years_ since her father’s death and Clarke felt somewhat healed. It still pained her to talk about him and still saddened her to think about what it would be like to still have him there, but she could think about the happy memories that she had with him and not break down in tears. In fact, she smiles- even if it’s faint and barely noticeable- and the genuine happiness she feels to have those memories, overshadow the misery that comes with it.

His funeral took place 3 weeks after his death. The black suits and dresses everyone present wore, really gave off a depressing aura and made the whole thing more unbearable. The whiteness of the roses stood out against the dark crowd as they were dropped onto the walnut coffin. Clarke was the first one to say goodbye and the only one to have dropped more than a rose. The tears leaked from her eyes on their own accord and splattered onto the polished wood and the only words she could let out were: _“why did you have to leave me?”_

Abby had taken the day off work that day to prepare for and attend the funeral. She had wept that morning, reality finally crashing down on her. If only she had let herself heal- even if just a little bit- instead of burying herself in work. Though that didn’t stop her from repeating that mistake because just after the funeral, when Clarke was at her lowest, she worked and worked to just forget. It gave her a sort of satisfaction whenever she saved a life or extended one. She couldn’t save her Jake but she could save someone else’s Jake.

Now, Abby was nearly a stranger to Clarke. Yes, they shared the same house, but the routine Abby was in didn’t seem to match Clarke’s (why would it). It was as if Abby didn’t even know she existed because even if Clarke sometimes got up early enough, they never spoke a single word.

Clarke had nobody to rely on, she became far more responsible than her age group should be. She did everything a parent should be doing for their child, herself. She did her laundry, she cooked herself meals, she cleaned the house, emptied the bins, cleaned the dishes, she even went shopping for the both of them. She did this, all while keeping her grades up and with the rare little spare time she had left, she drew. She had been doing this for two years now and she was used to it, she was even a little grateful for it- it matured her.

All through Elementary, she had been called various names. Ontari, especially, became crueller each year starting with ‘freak’ at eight years old and progressing to ‘bitch’ and ‘whore’ at twelve and thirteen. Clarke stopped getting affected by the vile words that spilled from her mouth but the laughter of her friends always seemed to agitate her. How can anyone enjoy tormenting someone?

As the years went on, she focused on her work and ignored the rest of the class and for that she got smarter, wiser. She felt strong, untouchable as she didn’t give into disgusting words of a bully. She never understood what was fuelling the girl to torment her. Maybe it was the support she got from friends or maybe it runs deeper. Maybe she hates her life and just wants someone else to do the same. But if she knew Clarke she would realise that she already hated her life.

Summer vacation this year, was spent alone per usual. Clarke hated school vacations. Weeks of loneliness? She couldn’t stand it. It’s true that she’s lonely all the time but it was different without school. School provided distraction, it always has. It was a place that made her get out of bed in the mornings, made her focus on the math problems instead of her own, it gave her purpose.

She did what she normally does every time she had spare time: she drew. Art was therapeutic to Clarke. It calmed her, made her feel content. She had stacks of drawings under her bed from the previous years. She was noticeably improving but her style turned darker, much like the work of the English artist ‘Guy Denning’. The drawings she did this vacation were charcoal. She worked on one project for two weeks. It was a drawing of her and her father touching hands- palm-to-palm-, looking at each other. Clarke had drawn a tear rolling down her cheek and when she had finished, a real tear made its way down her face as she gazed at it.

The same A3 Cartridge paper hung above her bed in the left-hand corner of her room. She was glad she had such talents; it allowed her to create pictures instead of just taking them and since she couldn’t take pictures of her dad anymore, it was a blessing. She only had one picture of her father left, as Abby couldn’t bear to see her dead husband when she came home, and stored them all in a cardboard box in the attic. The photo was taken on a summer vacation to Florida. They had gone to Disney Land when Clarke declared they needed to go, and so they did. Clarke was sat on Jake’s shoulders, laughing down at him. Jake’s eyes shone with happiness as he shot a beaming smile back up at her. Abby took the photo with a matching smile and they had framed it when they returned home.  
______________________________

  
Clarke entered Arkadia High with her black bag over her shoulders and looked around anxiously. She had no idea where to go for her first class: English Lit. She could ask someone for directions but the nerves she would feel would probably make her sound like she was on drugs. She wasn’t used to communication and she didn’t know how to talk to people anymore so she was stuck in a predicament.  
She hoped she could start fresh. A new school where no one knew her, where no one would notice her. That would be like a dream coming true. But the dreams end when you wake up.

“Hey Clarke!” She slung her arm around the blonde’s shoulders and looked at her with a smirk. Clarke felt like crying right there and then. _No. No, not again. Why is she here? Did she follow me? Why can’t I just live peacefully? Not another four years… Please!_ Ontari sensed the discomfort Clarke was in and her smile widened. “Don’t worry Clarke! We’re gonna be such good friends.” She said sarcastically and Clarke gave her a fearful look. “Now, what do you have?” she asked and snatched the sheet with Clarke’s timetable on it, out of her hands. “Oh, English Lit! Same here, let’s go together.” She said with a feyned kindness before dragging the horrified blonde along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know not much happened in this chapter, but I had to skip to high school otherwise it would have taken me like 100 chapters to write (excuse the pun). Also, I'm sorry for any mistakes regarding the American language. It was weird or me to write 'vacation' instead of 'holiday'. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thanks for reading. Comments much appreciated :D


	7. Introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The class introduces themselves and things get nasty

Of course, she chose the seat closest to her. Of course, she followed her to her ‘fresh start’. Clarke was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. She knew it was inevitable that Ontari starts all her crap again. She would need at least a few friends to get Ontari to back off even just a little bit. But she also knew that that was close to impossible to achieve especially considering that every time she tries to socialise with someone, she stumbles over her words and stutters like a complete idiot.

Clarke blended in pretty well: She wore casual dark jeans, a white converse top and sneakers; the only difference being that she ducked her head down a bit, covering parts of her face with her golden locks. She kept her eyes trained to the table, avoiding any eyes that look her way but mostly Ontari’s, who was throwing ice cold daggers in the side of her face.

They sat in the middle row although, Clarke wanted to go to the back but the seats were already taken. The teacher walked into the classroom and set her books and files down on her desk before facing the class.

She was all smiles as she looked over the class with kind eyes. “Hello! Welcome to Arkadia High. This is your first class here, so I want to make a good impression,” everyone’s attention was on the teacher now, Clarke raising her head a little bit. “I’m Miss. McIntyre, but you guys can call me Harper because that’s just easier. Since I am your English Lit teacher for the whole year I want to get to know all of you.” _Shit_ Clarke thought. “I’m going to go around the class and when it gets to you, introduce yourself and tell me something about yourself.” _No. No, no, no._

Clarke felt like she could throw up as her insides twisted with nervousness.

“John Murphy,” he said dully with a roll of his eyes, “Why the fuck do we have to do this shit?” he muttered under his breath. Turned his head slightly to the left and right and sighed, eyes meeting the teacher’s. “I once got done for assault. Two fuc-“ by the look Harper sent him he restarted the sentence, “Two days in a holding cell. Shunt of even got arrested, he deserved much more than a beating.”

“Mr. Murphy! I hope for your own sake you don’t keep up this violent behaviour, especially in school!” her happy mood had vanished and she sighed in frustration. “OK, let’s continue” she raised her arm to the boy seated behind him.

“Finn Collins,” he smirked, “My parents died when I was too young to even know them. They were rich pricks, so of course I’ll get pretty much all the money when I’m 18.”. He couldn’t hide the beaming smile on his face at the image of millions in his bank.

“Monty Green. I help my dad make moonshine”

“Zoe Monroe.” she paused trying to find something interesting, “I go hunting with my family.”

Clarke was getting even more nervous by the second.

“Emori Steal,” she chuckled at the irony, “I stole something worth $500” Everyone burst out laughing. Even Clarkes lips curled up slightly. The Teacher however, was not amused. This class seemed to be full of arrogant criminals. Hopefully the other half of the class is at least a little bit better.

It was Clarke’s turn. She had wanted the laughing to go on forever so she didn’t have to speak. Or that the teacher had had enough. But that wasn’t the case as everyone’s eyes were now on her and the teacher was looking at her expectantly, the kindness still in her eyes. “C-Clarke Griffin,” she mumbled and took a deep breath, meeting Harper’s eyes. “I-” she was about to speak but got cut off.

“I know something about _her_.” Ontari interrupted with a huge grin, eyes full of malice as she looked at Clarke. Everyone’s attention was on Ontari now as she continued, “She’s a fucking slut that doesn’t deserve anyone’s attention.” She chuckled and half the class sniggered as they stared at Clarke. She just ducked her head, mortified.

“OUTSIDE NOW!” Harper shouted angrily. Ontari mouthed ‘OK’, making no noise. She had a small pleased smile on her face, eyes glistening with mischief. She stood up out of her chair and walked out of the door.

The class was very quiet now but you could see people trying to suppress a smile. Clarke took in a deep, shaky breath and closed her eyes, a few salty tears leaking out, rolling down her red face. _I should never had got my hopes up she thought, I better get used to this._

“Clarke,” Harper said, shaking her out of her thoughts, “Speak to me at the end of this lesson, OK?” she said with a kind smile and sympathetic eyes. She faced the rest of the class, “This behaviour will not be tolerated in my lessons! Do you understand?” Everyone nodded, faces turning serious.

The class continued and once the work was set, Harper exited the classroom to have a talk with Ontari.

Clarke looked to her left to see Finn whispering to Murphy before both of them chucked and looked at Clarke with amusement. She quickly ducked her head and continued analysing the language of Hamlet although she had already read it twice and understood it perfectly.

_Just four more years… I can get through it… four years is nothing. Absolutely nothing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I didn't post sooner. I swear, I will post more frequently in the summer holidays/vacation which starts in two weeks. Most of you are probably waiting for the Clexa. Yeah, that's not coming in a while. Sorry, she only appears in college but hopefully I'll get to that part sooner since I'll be updating more.  
> Anyway thanks for the kudos and comments, it means a lot. And thanks for reading (almost reached 3000 hits) :D


	8. Trip to the nurse's office

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rumours start and Clarke has an accident.

**-1 week later-**

“Hey, Ontari! Wait up!” Ontari stopped in the hallway, a smirk appearing on her face. Finn jogged up to her and quickly pulled her to the side, away from the river of people.

“Yes Finn?” she said with an innocent small smile, flipping her hair over her shoulder as she looked at him through her lashes. He peered inside the classroom door right beside them and pulled her in after concluding it was empty. “Okay?” she said confused as she looked around, “Why’d you drag me in here?” she asked, smile completely gone as she crossed her arms.

“I need to ask you something privately,” her smile appeared again and mischief shone in her eyes.

“Go on…” Ontari knew this was coming and she was more than prepared for the question. Finn had taken an interest to Clarke that first lesson where her humiliation cost Ontari a detention- _worth it_ Ontari thought. Finn was the perfect person to do some harm to Clarke; he was selfish and popular and had too many friends to count.

“What did Clarke do?” he narrowed his eyes at Ontari’s growing smile.

“You mean: what did she do to make her a slut?” she paused, collecting the best words to use. “Well… let me tell you. She only got herself knocked up last year. Had an abortion of course. Some say she was with multiple guys at the same time.” She had to laugh at the shocked expression planted on his face. His raised eyebrows and slightly agape mouth soon turned into a huge smile and Ontari knew she succeeded.

“Oh. So, she really is a dirty whore,” he chuckled like the ‘news’ made his day. His gullible self never considered it to be a rumour and Ontari figured this was going to be a fun four years. He then left the room, soon followed by Ontari.

*******

Clarke rushed down the corridor, praying she could get to class without having to be scolded for being late. She was in such a hurry that she didn’t notice the figure walking towards her.

A shoulder collided with hers and before she knew it, she was crashing into the floor, a sharp pain in her right ankle. She hissed and looked up to find a familiar face, eyes shining with amusement.

“Hey, Clarke. Need help?” he held his hand down for her to grab it and looked down at her as she hesitated, then finally took it.

Clarke let out a small grunt as her face scrunched up due to the pain when moving her ankle. “Can you walk?” He didn’t receive a response so he picked up her bag and led her to the nurse’s office.

The trip took much longer than normal due to the limp Clarke had acquired. When they arrived, the nurse let them in and sat Clarke down. “Mr. Collins, you can go now” The nurse gave a quick glance in his direction before returning to inspect Clarke’s ankle. Finn smirked before leaving the room.

“Right, want to tell me what happened?” at this, Clarke looked down and stayed silent. The nurse looked at her and waited.

“I fell” she whispered, fiddling with her hands. The nurse pressed on the ankle and Clarke involuntarily took a sharp intake of breath. 

After more examining, the nurse looked up at her, “Well, it seems like you just sprained your ankle. You’ll need to go home and rest. Put some ice on it.” She walked into a storage area in the back and returned with a compression wrap.

After wrapping her ankle, the nurse called Clarke’s mother listed in her contact information. _Great_ , Clarke thought sarcastically, _home alone all day._

*******

As Finn closed the door behind him, he couldn’t help the huge grin taking over his face. _Can’t wait to mess with this bitch_ , he thought, shaking his head in amusement and picked up his pace down the hallway to his next period, which he was 20 minutes late for.

He hurt Clarke physically and he had to admit, it was kind of addictive. The satisfaction he got from the control he had over her made him hungry for more. He knew though, that he couldn’t just start beating her now. He could do it ‘accidentally’ though. The thought made him excited. _The whore deserves everything she gets_.

*******

It was lunch now and Finn made his way to the table his friends were seated at. He took a seat opposite Murphy. 

“You guys wanna know something I found from Ontari?” he filled the whole table in on Ontari’s rumour, all believing every word coming out of his mouth. They all laughed like they were watching the funniest video on the planet.

Finn knew this was going to spread fast and the brilliant thing is that it had only been a week since she came to this school, meaning everyone was bound to believe it. She had no friends, nobody knew her so it was totally believable.

Finn felt that same satisfaction as he listened to his friends laugh and joke about Clarke Griffin.

Nearby, Ontari looked over to the table and knew exactly what was told by the entertained and slightly shocked expressions on their faces. She smirked, everything was going to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I didn't update on the weekend. I just started drawing again and I'm probably gonna draw Lexa in a couple of weeks. I will update this weekend and throughout the week. Thank you for reading :D  
> Also, if you wanna check out my art, I post on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/heyitzlouiseart/

**Author's Note:**

> I am planning on writing all of the chapters before posting them. I just wrote the first chapter and I wanted to know if I should continue with this story before I write the rest. Thanks for reading anyway :D


End file.
